I am stumbling in the dark.
I am performing with all my energy on a frightening, demanding stage.
I am clinging desperately to the edge of a precipice. My strength is waning and I am beginning to slip . . .
I am doing my best, and it is not enough, and this scares me.
Stumbling through the darkness? It is to find You. I am so afraid of being lost.
Walking the tightrope, clinging to the cliff? It's to keep from falling. I am so afraid of falling.
Performing frenzied choreography on this harsh stage, dancing until I run out of breath and dancing longer . . . is to gain Your favor. I am so afraid of being rejected.
Should each day of my life be a battle, a struggle to make You love me more? Sometimes I think I cannot help living like this, because I'm afraid that I am not worth holding on to.
Really, why would You keep holding me? What am I worth to You? How many mistakes will I make before You grow tired of forgiving me and decide to cast me away?
It's funny; the whole time I perform, I know it's all futile: Your love cannot be earned. Even if it could, my sorry efforts would never do the trick. But I am still too terrified to stop trying; I feel I must be doing all I can, for the thought of losing Your love is the most frightening thing imaginable to me.
Am I worth holding on to?
O God! What I have always been taught is that You loved me when I was still a sinner, and that Your love never changes. My life depends on this being true, but I can barely bring myself to believe it. It's beyond reason, and too wonderful for a wretch like me.
But suppose it is true . . . if it is true, I have no reason to fear. If it is true, I can stop this crazy performance and serve You out of love instead of fear. And I need not wander or fall, for I have found my Help, my Peace . . . everything I will ever need. I am safe if I hold onto You.
For You are worth holding on to.
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